We went to a conference last night, put on by Matt Brinkley who wrote DATING BY THE BOOK.
http://www.pactministry.org/index.php?page=store
We left with many, wonderful questions. I didn't do much dating, because I married my high school sweetheart, but it is by God’s grace that our marriage is strong. He was a believer and I thought I was a believer, but I don’t think I really was until the age of 27 (that’s a whole different story). Anyway, I met him at 16 at an Al Holly concert at Mabel White Baptist in Macon (the very church that Matt gave his first dating seminar at). I wish that I had been discipled early ...by someone... my parents, my husband, a church leader, a Christian friend, anyone, but I wasn’t. .... If I had been discipled, my marriage might not have had so many twist for the first 10 years. I think all of us...disciplining our children in His word...by using the Bible, Matt’s book, and other resources...will go a very, very long way in what our children believe and what beliefs they act on. Like I said, I didn’t have that training, so I looked to society for what was ok and good. (Not the best decision by a long shot).
Russell and I did marry with the understanding that we would not divorce. Both of our parents are still married and .....I had huge issues....desire to have MY family, someone that would always be there . I wanted someone I could count on. I think this helped our marriage survive some rough spots. I absolutely ...at 16...was truly looking for a husband. I KNEW I wanted a Christian man, a good man...and through God’s grace, I actually got that. I didn’t have that parental figure teaching me....someone guiding me with my choices of a boyfriend or with my boyfriend. I am so thankful for God’s grace and guidance here. I was already working fulltime at 16. Life circumstances made me very driven and probably a little more mature than a typical 16 year old. So, how does this play out with our own children? I am not sure yet. They are almost 13, 10, and 7, so I have a little bit more time for YOU ALL to figure it out and let me know.LOL... I don't know what we will do yet, but it will not be traditional dating. we don’t want them to do the traditional dating. To mean, traditional dating means ...I like you, you like me..until I get bored of you..or until I don’t think you are exciting anymore. I like you or "love you" until you aren't cute. Matt told us this is defrauding and he is right. The boy or girl promises something ...his or her full devotion..."forever" but he/ she doesn't really even believe it him/herself. I think typical dating is a VERY dangerous thing. I think it trains them to divorce or drop out when things aren't new, when he gets annoying (and he will)..., when he is less than perfect..when the newness runs out. I have lead women’s bible studies for over ten years and one thing I can’t stand is when I hear wives complain about their husbands. The little things we allow to annoy us seem so trivial compared to the blessings we take for granted each day. We all need to look at the big picture and not just isolated incidents that we seem to focus on. We were looking for Prince Charming, but when we find out our husbands are just regular guys, we are disappointed. James 3:2 says “We ALL stumble in MANY ways”. ..this includes our husbands. Only one perfect man ever walked on this earth, and he never married (Jesus, ) . That guarantees our disappointment…if we fall into the “prince charming” trap. A regular man will have rough edges. He will have weaknesses. He will sin against you, disappoint you, and frustrate you. That is real life.
BUT….look God has taught me to look for the good in my flawed husband, and I will teach this to my children. …I assure you…someone is watching your husband with adoring eyes. Perhaps your husband is an amazing handyman; some lady notices the built-in he created in one weekend. Perhaps nothing is broken in your house for longer than 2 days; some lady admires his ability to fix anything. Perhaps your husband leads a Bible Study; some lady is wishing her husband was the spiritual leader. Perhaps your husband does all of these things but he doesn’t favor long, soulful talks. Perhaps your husband loves birds; some lady wishes her husband took this interest with her (Cheryl..LOL).... . Don’t focus on the one or two bad things. No husband comes in a perfect package. We must resist the temptation to compare our husbands’ weaknesses to other husbands ‘ strengths. My children absolutely know this..and I will teach them this..over and over.
Also, I will teach them that wives and husbands were built to need affirmation, but especially husbands. If he doesn’t get it from you, he will find a place to get the affirmation he needs. Don’t drive him to say, “If I can’t please her by trying my hardest, then why should I try at all?” We must remember that your same husband might disappoint you but enthrall another woman. We might see our husbands with tired eyes, while another woman sees him with fresh eyes. Our eyes look at him through frustrated expectations, while the other sees him with unlimited possibilities. What set of eyes are you gazing at your husband with? Keep in mind, you are not the only one looking at him.
Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth Bell Graham, once wrote: I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain. (It goes back to what Matt was saying...Intimacy, identity, and intimacy are needed and can only truly be fulfilled through the Lord; no spouse can do that). No husband can be all things to you. No husband, by himself, is enough. We still need others, and it is our responsibility to cultivate those other relationships.
Show your husbands respect. You might be surprised by his love for you when you do. Ephesians 5:33 says “The wife must respect her husband”. It doesn’t say wives should respect perfect husbands or even godly husbands. It has no qualifiers. Your husband, because he is a husband, deserves respect.
Marriage constitutes a claim and a commitment. Let’s fight on….for our marriages and the future marriages of our children.
Learning with you,
Rachel
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